Drowning Love - Phan
by DanosaurSaysRawr
Summary: Phil is in love with Dan but knows he's straight, and he can't live with that. Little does Phil know he is very wrong. Will Dan get there in time to save the boy he loves? Typical Phan please read and review for ultimate love and invisible llamas. Suicide & self harm Themes, if thats not your cup of tea don't drink it! ;) rated T for safety though really
1. Chapter 1

**Phil's POV  
**  
I re-read my message one final time;

Dan,  
I'm going to the blunt, by the time you've read this message ill probably be dead. I'm sorry but this is something I have to do and you deserve to know why. Once again ill be blunt about it. Dan I've loved you since the day I met you but I know that I can never have you, which is why I have to do this. The thought of you meeting a girl, marrying her, starting a family with her, is just too much for me to bear. Don't get me wrong that is what I want for you, its what you deserve. I just can't be around to see it. So this is goodbye, I love you more than you could know.  
Yours forever  
Phil xxx  
PS: You know the park with the river? I've left my bag under our favourite bench. There's a few hundred pounds in there I want you to have, along with a couple of other things too

I addressed the message to Dan and pressed send, then slipped my iphone into my bag and left it under the bench where I knew Dan would find it later. Once making sure my bag was out of obvious sight I started the walk to the other side of the park, to the river, to the bridge.  
**  
XOXOX**

Dan's POV

My phone vibrated somewhere near my head, shocking me out of my daydream. Bloody phone that was such a nice dream, me and Phil were.. Never mind better check my phone. I moved my arm wildly around the area where I thought my phone was until my hand came into contact with the cool glass of the screen. I held the phone up in front of my face and squinted at the bright light...  
'Phil Lester - Message'  
That's weird... He never messages me when he's out on one of those walks he's always going on. I unlocked the phone and started reading. By the time I had reached the second line I had felt the blood drain from my face and by the time I had read the third line I was on my feet. I had to stop him. Why was he doing this? I carried on reading, not registering the words, just looking for some indication of Phil's location. I found it. The park.. Oh my god the river. Was he going to jump? It had looked pretty deep when we went there a few weeks ago. By this point I had one shoe on and I was halfway through pulling on the other. Once my shoes were on my feet I set off at a sprint. The park was at least 10 minutes from here even if I ran, what if I was too late? No Dan don't think like that you have to save him. How long had it been already? 5 minutes, maybe more. By the time these thoughts had passed through my head I was nearing the bottom of our street and I set off in the direction of the park, not caring who I ran into or what abuse they shouted at me in return. I just had to find Phil and tell him, save him.  
**  
XOXOX**

Phil's POV

The park was quiet today, barely anyone around. Mostly people walking their dogs. I guess all the kids were at school. That's good I wouldn't want a child to have witnessed something like this. My thoughts engulfed my mind for the two minutes it took to walk to the river. Many thoughts, mostly of Dan. I reached the centre of the bridge and looked down. The water looked pretty deep. Looking around me, I could only see a couple of people and no one was paying me any attention, why would they, no one has before. It doesn't matter I said to myself, it'll all be over soon. This thought made me smile. I slowly climbed onto the edge of the bridge, trying not to draw attention to myself. This bridge was beautiful stone carved into intricate designs. It was obviously very old. How strange that the inevitability of death makes you appreciate how beautiful the world is. By this point I was stood on the edge of the bridge. This was it, this was the end and I was finally happy. I smiled again and whispered;

"I love you Daniel Howell"

And then I fell. It seemed to take an eternity but then I felt the water, it embraced me like an old friend but it quickly turned cold, so very cold. I gasped from the shock and felt my lungs fill with water. Although my body was panicked, craving oxygen and relief, my mind was calm, waiting for death. But then there was a shadow, disturbance in the water. My mind was going foggy but I felt strong arms close around my chest before the darkness took over my mind.  
**  
XOXOX**

Stranger's POV

I really love this park, its always so peaceful, such a contrast to the London life I was so used to. I quickly found myself lost in thoughts of the beauty of this place as I wandered, until a movement I was not expecting caught my eye, something falling. I turned and for a split second I saw a figure falling through the air, but then it hit the water with a splash and was engulfed by it. Oh my god, someone's thrown themselves into the river. I had to save them. I ran as quickly as I could to the waters edge and dived in with the agility only an experienced swimmer like myself could have. Through the water I could see a blurry outline of the figure, but it was quite far away from me. After a couple of minutes of powerful strokes I managed to get close enough to be able to wrap my arms around this person, who I discovered at this point was a he. When I had my arms wrapped securely around his chest I began dragging him to the surface.

XOXOX

****

Dan's POV

The entrance to the park was within my sight and I pushed myself harder, running faster than I ever had in my life. Everything going past me was a blur, but this was due more to my mindset rather than the speed I was travelling. Before I knew it I was hurtling through the park, how long had it been since I received the text message? Fifteen minutes? Twenty? Too long. I finally rounded a corner and the river was in my sight but what I saw there made me stop dead in my tracks. A man I did not recognise was pulling someone from the river, I know who that someone was. I needed to go to Phil but my body had stopped responding. I could only stand there in horror and witness what was happening to my best friend, the boy I loved. The stranger laid Phil out on the bank, I was close enough to see he wasn't breathing. Why wasn't this man helping him? He doesn't know how... But I do. Before my brain put my legs into action they were running again, I pushed aside the stranger and fell to my knees next to Phil. He could have been sleeping, except for the absence of the rise and fall of his chest. I realised I had no time to lose if I was going to save Phil. I threw my phone at the stranger hoping he had the sense to call an ambulance since I was beyond words.

I touched Phil and he was ice cold oh god oh god oh god this wasn't good. I put my hands of his chest and pressed repeatedly praying he hadnt been in the water too long.

"Please Phil wake up, please I need you... please"

I started sobbing at this point, my tears falling into this already soaked shirt. Why wasn't he responding, I'd been doing this for too long already. I pushed air into his seemingly dead lungs and suddenly, He breathed. Well choked really but I'm sure it was the most beautiful sound i've ever heard in my life.

Phil started coughing up water and I almost cried with relief.

"Phil!" I shouted, when he finally stopped. He lay back on the muddy bank and slowly opened his eyes

"Dan?" He croaked "What have you done?"

"I couldn't let you die Phil, because... because I love you too, more than I could ever explain."

He smiled then, even in his semi conscious state

"You're going to be okay, We're going to be okay" I said, and leaned down to kiss him softly.


	2. Chapter 2

**Dan's P.O.V**

**2 days later**

I danced around the apartment in a state of pure excitement. Today was the day I finally got to bring Phil home. I know its only been two days and I've spent as much time as I was allowed at the hospital but I still missed him. Our apartment just wasn't the same without his laugh echoing throughout the hall or his voice filling the rooms. Not thats there'd been a lot of laughing recently but that was something I planned to change. We'd had some time to talk while Phil was in hospital and we had decided to become a couple so I wanted to make the apartment perfect for when he got home.

Although Phil hadn't sustained any serious injuries because of the... accident, he was pretty badly bruised which I could live with. But there was something else. The scars. My eyes filled with tears as I remembered the countless white scars and the newer angry red lines that defiled the perfect pale skin of his lower arms. It made me feel physically sick that he had been doing that to himself and I'd never even noticed. And all because of me. While he was away I'd taken the time to scour even millimetre of the apartment with the help of Chris and PJ. We were looking for razors, and I'd expected to find three, maybe four but the amount we did find made me feel dizzy. Over 20 razors. All hidden in places I would never have looked otherwise, for example tucked into the lining of his glasses case, how PJ found that one I'll never know but he says he did some internet research on cutting habits. I could only pray we'd found them all. I had also removed every sharp object I could think of, taken his hair straightners, and also removed the lock from the bathroom door, his bedroom door and my bedroom door. He wasn't going to be happy about this but I was only doing it to keep him safe from himself. I just had to keep telling myself I was doing the right thing.. I was right?

I knew Phil was broken and I knew that fixing him straight away was impossible but I had to try, right? It's what any best friend would do, then I remembered that Phil was more than just my best friend now and a shiver of excitement went down my spine. I checked my iphone, nearly time to leace. I decided to do one last check for anything unsafe before I left, and then satisfied I picked up the bag with a change of clothes for Phil and set off for the hospital, checking my Iphone once more, oops I should have left over 10 minutes ago.. I guess I was a little too thorough with my search, never mind Phil knows I've never been on time for anything in my life.

**Phil's P.O.V**

I glanced up at the clock, Dan should be here by now. Why was he taking so long?

_He's probably changed his mind. He doesn't care about you, why would he. Just look at yourself, you're pathetic._

_Don't worry, you know Dan. He's always late for everything._

I really hoped the second voice was right, but as usual it was the first voice I believed. My bandaged wrists suddenly felt like they were on fire. I needed release, I needed to cut. I looked around frantically. Nothing. Then my eyes came to rest of the nurses desk visible through my window. It was abandoned. I assumed everyone was elsewhere, probably helping someone who needed it, someone who deserved it. I bet there would be a pair of scissors on that desk. I had made the decision to check there in less than a second and after I few more my eyes were scouring the desk until they came to rest on the object of my search, a pair of scissors. Perfect. I snatched them off the desk and hurried back to my room before I was caught. Once I was seated on my bed again I unwrapped the bandage on the left arm slowly so I would remember how to put it back afterwards, no one would suspect a thing. Not that anyone would care, Dan obviously doesn't. But why would he?

The scissors looked reasonably sharp as I lined the blade up against my arm. With a expert, quick flick of my wrist I sent bright blood running down my arm. I sighed with relief and lined the scissors up again but that was when Dan walked in. For one second we both just stared at each other. His face a mask of pain, mine of guilt. I expected shouting, I thought he'd be angry with me but instead he walked over to me, removed the scissors gently from my grasp and then enveloped me in a tight hug. A few seconds later I heard his breath hitch and I realised he was crying.

"Why did you do that Phil?" He choked out

The sound of his voice heavy with pain tipped my already unbalanced self over the edge and my own tears overflowed my eyes turning my vision into nothing but blurryness. I closed my eyes and sobbed into his shoulder.

"I'm so sorry Dan, I just thought that..." Sob "Because you were.." Sob "I'm sorry I was being stupid" I finally managed to mumble between sobs

"I was what Phil?" He whispered back, his warm breath tickling my ear sending shivers down my spine

I just shook my head. I knew now Dan cared, why had I done it? I was so embarrassed. He took me by the shoulders then and pushed me away from him to he could look into my eyes. I looked back at him, his eyes were so beautiful. I don't think they're something I could ever get used to no matter how long I gazed at them, something I would be happy to do forever but before I could get too lost he spoke whilst looking at me with a serious look I had never seen before on his face

"Phil it breaks my heart to see you hurting yourself, please let me help you. I need you to tell me why you had to do it."

"Okay it's just.. you were so late... I just thought maybe you'd changed your mind. I'm so sorry."  
"Phil" Dan whispered, the pain in his voice made me feel worse "How could you think I didn't care, I love you."

"I know Dan i'm sorry, it just doesn't seem right, you loving me."

"Philip Lester, listen to me. You are amazing and I have loved you for so long and I always will and you must never, ever forget that. Do you understand me?"

I nodded and hugged him again

"Can we go home now?" I asked

"Of course we can" He replied before handing me a bag and saying "I'll just be outside, come out when you're dressed and we can leave"

Dan then left the room, I couldnt help noticing that he'd taken the scissors with him. I quickly got changed and rushed out, excited to be going home.


	3. Chapter 3

Dans P.O.V

My head was spinning as I left Phil's room, he was so much more broken than I thought. I understood though, so much more than he thought I did. What Phil didn't know was that I was a long term self harmer and I was only recently recovered. I made a mental note to tell him I loved him as often as I could and hopefully then he'd be able to believe me. My throat suddenly felt uncomfortably right and a few tears formed in my eyes at the thought of how worthless Phil truly believed he was. Before the tears could escape my eyes I heard Phil's door open and I quickly blinked them away before turning to smile at him.

"Ready to go?" I asked, hoping he couldn't read the emotions in my face.

He just nodded in reply and reached for my hand before setting off down the corridor. Even his walk exuded sadness. It lacked the adorable little bounce that the past Phil who no longer existed always had when he walked.

The walk to the tube station was short and uneventful. No one paid us any attention as we made our was through London, hands entwined. We made small talk as we walked and I even managed to drag a small smile from him, the further we got from the hospital the happier he seemed to become. That was until one little thing sent him crashing straight back to rock bottom. We were walking through the tube station when I heard a shout from not far away;

"GAY FAGS!"

I felt Phil tense up and I knew he had heard. I tried my best to comfort him;

"Come on Phil" I whispered "it's okay, don't worry. Lets get home, okay?"

He nodded but I could still feel how tense he was. We walked further a few steps but then there was another shout.

"OI FAGGOTS WHERE D'YOU THINK YOU'RE GOIN?!"

This only made Phil even more tense and I decided to act. I turned whilst simultaneously shielding Phil behind me, there were two youngish guys, maybe around 17 or 18 glaring at the two of us from across the station.

"Can I help you?" I asked

"Yeah" said one of the guys "you're disgustin do you know that."

"You aren't exactly Brad Pitt yourself but thanks for your input."

"Oh do ya think you're clever?"

"Come on Dan, lets go" Phil muttered from behind me.

"Yeah Dan listen to your girlfriend and pi*s off where we don't have to look at you."

Phil starting pulling me away and I let him, despite that fact that in that moment I wanted nothing more than to hurt either, or both of those kids for what they said. Didn't they understand how hurtful their words were and what they might be doing to Phil?! We were both silent on the train home and I could tell Phil was thinking about what had happened at the station.

I was dreading Phil's reaction when he discovered the changes I'd made at home, especially after how we would be feeling thanks to those inconsiderate a*s holes at the tube station, and then it hit me how he would be feeling. I was supposed to be helping the poor broken boy beside me and I was just ignoring the fact that he may be hurting, I need to say something.

Phil's P.O.V

My wrists were on fire again as I failed to forget the comments of the guys at the train station. Everything they had said was true,only about me though. I was disgusting. All I could think about was getting home, locking myself in my bedroom and quenching the fire currently engulfing my wrists. It was obvious Dan would have tried to rid the house of my blades but there's no way he could possibly have found them all. I was pulled from my thoughts by Dan's voice, finally breaking the silence that had dominated since the train station.

"Phil, I love you."

This unexpected remark shocked me out of my thoughts and I stopped dead on the pavement. I looked over to Dan to see his eyes, full of concern, examining my face.

"Are you okay?" He questioned me. These words were familiar and my long used automatic response kicked in.

"I'm fine" I answered quickly.

"Don't lie to me, I know you're thinking about what those pricks at the station said but you have to forget about them Phil they aren't worth your time and they definitely aren't worth hurting yourself over."

His last words caused me to gasp, how did he know?!

"How did you..."

"Because I understand Phil, come on i'll explain at home."

Dan reached for my hand and pulled me the last couple of hundred meters to our house. While we were walking I tried to decipher what he meant... How could he possibly understand? Once we were inside he lead me to the living room where we sat next to each other on the sofa.


	4. Chapter 4

**Hello readers! So this is my first authors note (yay) I know it's long but if you read it it could really help me out! I'd just like to say thank you so much for reading it means a lot to me, especially thank you to the people who have followed, favourited and reviewed. It always makes my day when I get an email telling me someone has done one of those things. I know I don't update that often and that's basically because of two reasons. 1. I'm insanely busy at the moment because of GCSEs (cry) and 2. Because I'm not the best writer in the world and it takes me a long time to write anything. But there's something you, yes you, Can do about this. If you have any plot ideas or anything what so ever I could include in this story (plot, new characters literally anything) then please please please leave me a review telling me and I'll love you forever. Anyway onto the story... Enjoy ^.^ **

**XOXOX  
Dan's P.O.V**

We simply looked at each other for a minute. Phil expectant, me reluctant to speak. Maybe this was a bad idea, after all I'd never shared this with anyone before but then again if I had to choose one person to share it with, it would be Phil. Another minute passed while I debated with myself in my head before Phil spoke;

"What did you mean when you said that you understood?"

I took a deep breath, before speaking and standing simultaneously;

"It would probably just be easier to show you" I barely whispered.

**XOXOX  
Phil's P.O.V**

My eyes followed Dan as he left the sofa and stood facing me, what on earth was he going to show me that could do with me hurting myself... A heavy weight seemed to fall into my stomach as it hit me what he was going to, what I was about to see. The same second I realised Dan pulled his tshirt up to reveal his tanned stomach, covered in tiny white lines, scars. Even though I had been expecting it the sight was like a punch in the gut, it knocked the air out of me and brought tears to my eyes which quickly started flowing down my face. When Dan saw my tears he immediately dropped his shirt and sat down next to me. The next thing I knew his arms were around me and I was being held tightly to his chest. My tears soaked the fabric that clung to his torso but he only held me tighter

"Shh Phil it's okay, I'm sorry I shouldn't have shown you." he whispered.

How could he have been doing this without me knowing? Why was he doing it? Was he still doing it and why was he apologising to me? My head was full of questions I longed to voice but my sobs were constricting my throat making speech impossible. Dan held me in his arms for a long time while I cried, gently rubbing my back in an attempt to calm me down. Once my crying as finally subsided I found myself able to speak again;

"I'm sorry... for everything. You should have told me, I could have helped you."

"And I could have helped you." He replied.

I nodded in understanding. Of course neither of us would have ever told the other, and we both understood why. Any self harmer would understand why. When someone self harms they become addicted, the need for self preservation becomes entirely replaced with the need for self mutilation. the scariest thing becomes not being able to cut, burn or mark your skin rather than desperately trying to prevent your skin from becoming marked. As much as someone who self harms needs the help of others they are far too afraid to reach out for it in fear that the person will take away their lifeline, the only thing that keeps them grounded. Even if complete removal is the healthiest thing and they know it.

**XOXOC  
Dan's P.O.V**

As I looked down on the ebony haired boy in my arms I felt a small sense of victory. Perhaps Phil now understood, perhaps that would be the end of it. I prayed to a deity that I didn't believe in that Phil would never take a blade to his beautiful body again. Despite hoping there was still a spark of doubt in my mind. I knew better than most people how the mind of someone who is self harming works and I knew it took more than a few words to stop. Nether the less I couldn't help hoping. After a few minutes of silence I decided it was probably time to eat;

"Will you help me cook something for dinner?" I mumbled into his hair

He nodded in reply and untangled himself from my arms and headed for the kitchen. I was quick to follow, reluctant to leave him alone, even for a second. Especially in a room full of things he could potentially use to harm himself.

"What are we making?" He asked as I entered the room

"I don't know" I replied "I was thinking maybe stir fry? Whatever you want though really."

"Stir frys fine"

I gathered all the ingredients from the fridge and set to work preparing them, I know I'd asked Phil to help me but I really didn't trust him with anything sharp. No sooner had this thought come into my head than I felt arms wrap around my waist from behind and Phil's head come to rest on my shoulder. The side of his head brushed my neck and I flinched away automatically, Phil immediately dropped his arms and took a few steps away from me.

"Sorry!" He exclaimed with a panicked expression on his face "I don't know why I did that I'm really sorry I understand why you pulled away I shouldn't have touched you I..."

Before he could go any further I dropped the knife, cleared the space between us in two strides and cut him off with a kiss. He was tense at first but he soon relaxed and I smiled into the kiss. We broke apart quickly but remained close.

"Don't be silly Phil" I whispered, resting my forehead on his and looking into the cool blue depths of his eyes "You just brushed my neck, that's all!"

"Oh!" He said, relief flooding his face "I just assumed that.."

"I know" I replied before turning back to the vegetables again and before long I felt arms snake around my waist and Phil's warm body press against my back.

"You know you can trust me with a knife" he muttered as I continued working.

"I know" I answered.

"No you don't Dan, I know you don't trust me and I don't blame you, but honestly I'm okay... At the moment."

I thought about that for a second, he said 'at the moment' meaning he didn't expect it to last.

"Okay Phil you can help if you promise me one thing"

"Anything"

"I want you to promise me that If you ever feel the need to cut you'll tell me, come and find me if I'm not with you or even call me. It doesn't matter. I don't care if its the middle of the night, or I'm doing something important, nothing is more important to me than you okay?"

What had come out of my own mouth surprised me. I wasn't usually one for expressing emotions and feelings and all that crap but with Phil it was different.

"I promise Dan, I really promise you I'm going to try."

I nodded and hesitantly passed Phil a knife. Together we prepared a meal before settling down for a night of eating, gaming and movies on the sofa.


	5. Chapter 5

**Hi readers! I'm back after completing 21 exams. Thanks so much if you've stuck with me and I'm sorry I promise to try and update more. Also thanks to those of you who gave me ideas for future plot ideas/new characters. I could still do with some ideas so if you have anything at all then please please please leave me a review telling me. Thanks again for everyone's continued support and enjoy ^.^**

Dans POV  
I flicked on the torch on my iPhone and started shining it at Phil's face. He reacted almost immediately, flinching away.

"Dan! What are you doing" he mumbled whilst simultaneously throwing his bandaged arm over his eyes. I saw him wince when the fresh cuts touched his face but I tried to ignore it.

"Wake up sleeping beauty. You fell asleep on the sofa, come on you need to go to bed."

"No... Comfy"

Sleepy Phil was so adorable I almost didn't want to move him but I knew he'd regret it if he stayed on the sofa all night.

"Come on, get up or I'll have to make you" I said in a teasing tone.

Fortunately Phil rolled over and sat up as I had no means of making him. He isnt at all ticklish and contrary to popular belief Phil is much stronger than me. He started making his way up the stairs and I followed, flicking off the lights as I went. It wasn't until Phil started heading for his room that I realised I couldn't cope with him being unsupervised for 8+ hours.

"Uh Phil, wait."

He turned to face me.

"What is it Dan?"

"Urm well... I was just thinking that maybe you should probably urm sleep in my room...perhaps?"

"You mean sleep with you?"

"Yeah" I saw his eyes widen in surprise "Wait! No! Not like that! I just meant..."

"No it's okay, I know what you meant. I'll just grap some pjs then ill be right in"

Phil's POV

Uh I'm such an idiot. Why did I let him say all that stuff. I should just tell him that I spend ninetynine percent of my time wishing I was sleeping with him rather than letting him think I didn't want to.  
Still berating myself internally I grabbed a pair of pyjamas. For half a second I considered searching my room for blades - just incase - but I knew Dan would come in if I spent to long in here. Before I could changed my mind I headed back out I into the hallway and followed Dan into his room.


End file.
